With Friends Like This...Who Cares About Anything Else

This weekend was AMAZING! I am still getting use to being off on weekends. I hung out with my Lindenwood Family and I really miss those guys. I feel like God handpicked everyone of them and placed them into my life for a reason. Its been a long time since I have been surrounded by sooo much love. I brought CB with me because I always talk about him and my LU crew hasn't had the opportunity to meet him so I was happy that he was able to join me. But being there made me wish that I would have left his ass at home. As I watched how all of my male friends treated their wives, they were affectionate, they served them before they served themselves and you could just really tell that they loved these women more than anything else in the world. But if you watched how CB engaged with me, you wouldn't have even known he was my man.  I am always so proud to be with CB and spending time with him is usually something I really enjoy. But hell when I bring him around my friends he always acts as if he doesn't even deal with me for real and I hate that shit. He comes off as if he is better and its like if you feel that you can do better than me, then DO BETTER!! I was so embarrassed by his behavior to the point that I was in tears the entire ride home. My thing is its been 5 years and I am arguing with you about getting permission to decorate in YOUR apartment, when in fact that shouldn't be an issue. At almost 30 and almost 40 we should be living together, saving money together, growing together and working our way towards financial empowerment because two is always better than one. Because at this point, I could give a damn about what your hair looks like, or what type of shoes and clothes you have on.  But he lacks that thought process and he only has tunnel vision for all things Chance, and anything outside of that is not even a factor. So since YOU are content and comfortable with living in YOUR apartment because no one in there pays bills but YOU...but YOU don't give me an option to even help YOU, because YOU would rather die than for us to coexist under the same roof, then maybe YOU need to explore other options. Because I KNOW I have given this 110% so I can walk away tomorrow and not feel bad because if you give something all you got and still fail, you can't be mad because you know that you gave all you had to give. My mom sat me down today and we had the heaviest conversation about my relationship with CB, and it hurt but all things said were very true. Do I want my relationship to be successful? Do I love my man with all of my being? Do I want to grow and spend the rest of my life with him? All of these questions can be answered with a confident YES! But will I settle and lose myself in this relationship, because I love him so much? Absolutely not! Tonight I will re evaluate the last couple of days to see were the communication broke down between us because I KNOW my delivery is not always the best. But I can honestly say our issues are just something that I can't fix....I just can't.

He's Just Not That Into You

After spending close to 45 minutes in the parking lot of Schnucks crying, I think I get it now, it's really over. I feel humiliated after I basically poured my heart out, only to be laughed at and disregarded. I am so devastated, because I really had hopes that we could discuss the email in a manner in which I would have a little more insight in regards to our future. But who am I kidding there is no future for "us". I guess the next step is to finally go get all of my things from the house, I must admit part of me is at ease having my things there, but I am really just going to let him go. It's hard and I can feel the lump in my throat forming as I am typing. I know that I am soooo lonely and I really just want someone to be there for me and support me and to tell me everything is going to be ok. I really just feel like nothing I do is right, nothing I say is ok, I feel completely worthless. Instead of typing that email I should have just tried harder to go to bed, because it was just a waste of time, I was completely open, and it got me nowhere. I called the host of the set and told him that I appreciate the experience and all the fun times but I am giving up my membership.  I'm sure many will be disappointed but, I'm so over everything and everyone, I really need to find my path and continue to keep moving without looking back. Next stop: Target to go buy a bunch of boxes of Kleenex...hey I gotta start somewhere.

Cold

The tears are falling from my eyes just as fast as I can catch them as I'm writing this. I don't know why I am so emotional, well I know why I guess I just didn't feel like I would be this affected. I have this feeling like I want to be around CB all of the time, I want to just lay my head on his chest and fall into a world of oblivion. But when I'm around him its not the same, there is no affection, no expression of love, just two people who happen to be sharing the same space. Its hurtful, I don't know why I can't just leave him alone. Even during the most challenging times I realize that I still love him so much, and I just can't understand why we can't get our shit together. I can't write anymore, give me a moment to pull it together and will be able to write a post that is a little more polished...I'm writing off raw emotion right now and I'm all over the place.

Check Ya Self

Get It Together

As women we have to be very mindful of how we represent ourselves, especially when we are out in public. I am a person that gets so caught up in my emotions, that I lose respect and any regard for anyone that disagrees with me. I am learning to be more objective and realize "Hey E, you really could have handled that better" Often I use hurtful words to try to make the person I argue with angry instead of listening and trying to diffuse the situation. I do realize my imperfections and I am working on being better. So my focus is  to stop and listen, without talking over the person (I have that really bad), and to really just focus on the bigger picture and leaving the past in the past.

Is This A Problem?

So I love my CB and everything, but I can't help but feel a little irritated with his "fan club" aka female friends. Is it normal for a man to have sooooo many female friends, I mean where in the hell is all of your fine azz male friends????? And maybe I wouldn't have an issue if I was formally introduced to them, but it just seems to me that a new woman pops up every week. It really irks! I don't know, I'm just the type that uses discretion when I am dealing with "friends" of the opposite sex, and the person I am involved with. I don't feel like I need a bunch of male friends because my man is considered to be one of my best friends and we should confide in each other, and laugh together, and go out....together.  I can't even get him to sit down and chill with me and my friends at Twilight Tuesday because he has to show face around the entire park. *shrugs* get over it E! L.I.G

Set Trippin

I love my set and all, but I feel so disconnected from the lifestyle. I feel like I need to show my face, but I am also on my celibacy journey and that just seems counterproductive to me. I really want to become an active member again, but why would I go to just watch?? The players ball is in November and I really really really really really want to attend, but i don't know if it is what I should do. Then I have lame ass chicks, writing books exposing the lifestyle...smh. I just don't know if it is something that I want to be apart of anymore, the dynamics of the set is changing, and I don't think I like it.

No Men Allowed

Really? I'm pregnant and I ask you for some potatoes and you tell me if there is some left then you will put some aside for me?????  Smh I swear people don't get it and you wonder why I'm running to Planned Parenthood next week? Thank goodness for this blog because if I actually said the things that I really wanted to say in real time...oooohhhh weeeee! This week has been very trying for me, I got fired from my job over something that was NOT my fault. I really don't have alot of money because I paid pretty much all of my bills my last pay period with the anticipation of having a "free check" this pay period and looks like that will be my last check and its not even a full one:(

But no one even considers that enough to maybe attempt to cook me breakfast on the days I'm feeling sick or cook for me period, cause honestly I don't have the energy to do it myself. I had to send my daughter away because I can't even take care of her or do things with her because I'm always sick or tired. I don't want her to see me that way, its summer vacation and we should be doing stuff at least every week. I just know after this, there is not a thing another man can say to me, I am soooo over men! (No homo)

Baby Blues

People are never who they appear to be. I am almost to the point where I question everyone's character, because I don't feel like anyone is true anymore. I think being pregnant gives you a sixth sense, a sense to not deal with any kind of foolishness. 

I  am Day 4 into my celibacy journey and so far so good. I feel kind of ass backwards though seeing as how I'm pregnant but whatever. I think it will be easier because I usually don't have the urge to have sex while I'm pregnant.

I'm having all kind of mixed emotions right now, I haven't told my mother or  really anyone for that matter and I am still going back and forth about my decision to have this baby. Part of me feels like really??? When I wanted my baby more than anything I lost it and it devastated me. Now I'm pregnant again and I'm like maybe things won't be so bad this time. But another part of me is like Erica, don't be selfish, raising two kids without support from either one of the fathers is not the smartest decision. It's hard enough providing for Jordy I couldn't imagine adding another child to the equation. But then again I never imagined I would be sitting in an abortion clinic at damn near 30 years old. At some point you have to suck it up and be accountable for your actions.

I wish that I was pregnant by someone else, ya know? Someone that would call and check to see how I am feeling. Someone that would bring me a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos and a bag of Jalepeno Krunchers...lol (but serious though). Someone that is supportive regardless of the situation.

Pure Genius

"There are many things that we would throw away, if we were not afraid that others might pick them up". -Oscar Wilde

Are you familiar with "You don't want me, but you don't want me to be with anyone else"!

Lesson learned: Stop holding on to things for reasons of convenience. Learn to let go, no matter how much it hurts. If you love someone, love them enough to allow them to be happy with someone else.

I love CB and I think it would kill me to see him with someone else, but I have to be selfless and allow someone else to love the same things I loved about him.
                                

You Vicious Piece of Jelly

Sometimes we come across people who we will never forget. Even though I have never had the mindset that everyone will treat me the greatest or do right by me. You never expect to come across someone who uses you for their benefit and behaves in a manner that makes you feel low and worthless.

I am sitting back re evaluating my relationship with my ex and in order for me to understand how to co exist and love a self centered person, I tried to think back to 2007 to review some of the red flags I chose to ignore, because I loved him so much and I thought that I could change him. If you decide to maintain a relationship with a selfish individual I have listed some things that may help you, and some things that might make you run like hell. I wish I had someone that broke it down for me, and maybe I wouldn't have lost so much time.

1. Never think that you can change them. Selfish people don't even realize that they have a problem until they are on the verge of losing you or other loved ones. Even then, this change is very short-lived.

2. Examine their childhood. People with narcissistic tendencies, often come from being hurt emotionally as a child.

3. They become involved in material things, vanity, and can be a bit shallow. They fear loving someone else besides themselves, have intimacy issues, and cannot develop mature love relationships.

4. Selfish people can not handle any form of criticism, so please choose your words carefully. Otherwise, they feel as if they are being attacked and they will attack back, or completely shut down.

5. Do not resort to behavior that is beneath you. Dealing with someone with this type of personality can be challenging. One of my problems was I allowed myself to behave in a ridiculous manner, just because I was trying to hurt my ex...which was wrong. You have to find a balance.

6. If you truly love this person and feel like it is worth it, then seek therapy. It is the only way...you fooling yourself if you think you can fix it all by yourself.

Remember: Therapy=Happy and Healthy Relationships!!!!!

Exhausted

I feel like I am being punished...

But I am going to use all of the unfortunate events and attempt to make sense of them, in hopes that I can have discernment to make healthy decisions. I know at times my passion can make me a very difficult person to communicate with, but I'm not perfect and I struggle with things just like most people do.

Many of my issues stem from the fact that I have so many regrets in regards to decisions that I have made in the past, and it is affecting me in the present. I look at my baby girl and she is getting so big and she is so brilliant, and she is truly my greatest accomplishment. She is doing well in school and eventhough I can't give her all the things that she wants, she has everything she needs. I feel sad to think that her not having a consistent father figure in her life will have a negative impact on her future. I do everything in my power to ensure that she doesn't feel the void, but at the end of the day, I am not a man. I feel guilty that she is missing out on that. I have not been the best role model for her because my actions show her that my way of handling things is not working.

Jordy J I love you so much and I promise that we will rule the world, just be patient with mommy.

Fuck Off

Missed Period.Positive Pregnancy Test.Worst Mother's Day Ever. These are all things that I have been dealing with over the past few days and I promise...I am on edge, so if you are thinking about fucking with me...please don't! Then I wonder why do I still continue to do for a man that could give two fucks about me, and he made that very clear today. How many men have a woman in their life that is a mother, and you don't do shit for them on Mother's Day? Really?? Then I express my opinion about how you bend over backwards for your gay ass best friend and you have a cow!!! Grow up, you are not in your twenties, but you walking around here with a mohawk waiting for a compliment and you damn near 40 years old? And to think I go to Target and buy stuff to redecorate your bathroom and I can't even get a card on Mother's Day. Get da fuck outtta here.  I'm done that shit doesn't even warrant anymore space on my blog. You and your bestie are perfect for each other...I hope you live a long happy life together.

At least someone was thoughtful enough to make sure my day ended well, and I am very grateful. Thank you I appreciate you.

And to the issue of being pregnant...I could never have t(his) baby. I don't even know how this happened, part of me died when I found out. I continue to fall on hard times because anytime that I am doing well, I fall back to dealing with people that are not for me, and making unhealthy decisions. It is time for a change, today I was taken out of my element in front of my babygirl and I don't even do that. I need alot of work and it looks like I will be retreating back into myself, until I figure somethings out.

Sucka!!!

I can't help that I am a very affectionate person. But how much affection can you put out there, when it isn't being returned? I'm at Lafayette Park and I can't help but notice how loving the couples are here. I think this is why it is my favorite park, because there is so much love here. I mean I look at some of these women and they are not babes at all, but there husbands seem very proud of them nonetheless. Look at me, the hopeless romantic...I REALLY need to get over it.

I guess I just want to be in a relationship sooooo badly. It's all I can think about sometimes. I just don't feel like at 30 I should still be trying to figure out if the person I've been with for 5 fucking years wants to be with me?? It's so frustrating to the point where I just want to give up on love, the idea of marriage, and just spend the rest of my life focusing on the love of my life...Jordy J.

I can't wait until therapy next Tuesday, because he needs to give me a new damn homework assignment, since this one was an epic FAIL....huuuhhh!!!

I Thought I Was Bulletproof...Guess Not

I talked all of this noise about me keeping my chastity and I basically got my world rocked today. There is nothing like a man that knows how to handle his woman....whew! smh! Anyway I was told that I always post a blog when I am in my feelings, so I tried to do something a little different with this one. He took off of work today so that we could spend the day together and talk, which is something he doesn't do often. Simple things like grocery shopping and eating tacos are some of the many things that I miss about us. I love this man...but after 5 years I feel like I still don't want to compromise on what I want, and TRUST he knows what I am talking about.

The talking is a start but we still have to work out some kinks, I am still going to continue to focus and be attentive to myself with the hopes that he realizes that I am the prize, and if he doesn't step it up, someone WILL come and take me away....for good, and there won't be any reconciliation at that point. I had an awesome day today and it was all because of you
 Chance Jermaine Brown....how is that for a shoutout?

Are You Worthy?

Jill Scott said it best "I making you wait, never too late, I need to know if you're worthy". I didn't even realize it, but my chastity belt is on until I find someone that is worthy of "gettin it". I think there must be something in me that oozes that I'm easy, because it is so EASY for a man to call me to ask if we can get it in, even when his behavior doesn't even get me remotely wet. Or when married men try to act as if they are genuinely concerned about your well being, but you are really just trying to sample a little bit then retreat home to your "unfortunate situation". If another married man comes at me I will blast you on Facebook and then tag your wife!!!! Try me if you don't believe in me. I don't mean to sound so angry, but good gravy!!!! I mean really it has to get better than this.


I know that I am far from perfect, but I don't mislead people and I am very direct. You will never have to know what I am thinking because I am probably going to tell you before the thought even goes to my head. ladies don't sell yourself short, make these men get out here and work for it. Part of the reason why I am in this reassessment phase of my life, is because "I did too much", this has resulted in me going from being a submissive and loving partner, to someone who could care less. So this will be my focus area going forward, I don't believe that you should change who you are, just because you come across a few rotten apples, but I have changed and I don't know how to embrace the "old me" because the "new me" feels so damn good.

Flame

Someone from my past recently visited my job and found out that I worked there. We engaged in small conversation, and ended up walking right into my ex. Can we say awkward?? Eventhough our situation was "complicated" and maybe a little inappropiate, and things ended horribly....it was refreshing to see him. Since then we have conversed, and we talked about where we went wrong in 2009. He blamed me for cutting him off abruptly, but honestly due to the nature of the situation, it was the only way.

Fast forward to 2012 and I am having all of these mixed emotions about him. His feelings have not changed about me and I don't know if he wants us to pick back up where we left off, but if you knew where we left off...you would know that is impossible. I want to know and understand his intentions, but at the same time its like...why am I even considering this? We got into an argument tonight which resulted in me crying and getting off of the phone. I guess I'm just frustrated by the fact that every man that pursues me, belongs to someone else. I feel like I have been through so much, that I have no tolerance for anything anymore. But damn can you respect me enough to not pursue me while you are married? Just because you have no regard for your wife, doesn't mean that I don't.

Then I really got in my feelings really hard because it's like wow, am I that chick that men want to have on the side, but not good enough for marriage? I spent 4 years with someone that never even considered me to be a candidate for marriage. Ouch!!!!

The temptation is there, he knows how to woo me, and say and do all of the right things. He makes me feel wanted, appreciated, and beautiful, but I am so guarded, and with him I absolutely should be. So I am about to lace up my Airmax and run like hell, because this guy is nothing but trouble.

The High Cost of Anger

This is a series that we are going over in my bible study class, and this lesson came right on time. Ephesians 4:26 says "Be ye angry and sin not! Do not let the sun go down upon your wrath." We often become so angry that it completely consumes us. I know it consumed me! It takes me so long to recover after being upset, this is why I try to avoid confrontation. After a failed relationship it is natural to feel some anger, it is how we respond to the anger. After I got off of the phone with my ex after our last argument, I took my phone and threw it and it powered off and never came back on again. Since I couldn't control my anger, I ended up having to go without a phone for the rest of the day, needless to say...it wasn't worth it.

I began to realize that I was allowing my anger to ruin my relationship with GOD. There was such a disconnect, that I found myself unable to pray, unable to tithe, not willing to fellowship and that is NOT me! Now when I react to something I try to react with a conscious and clear mind. When people see me, they should see Jesus. I don't want to be a poor representative for GOD and I surely don't want to make him look bad.

I would like to share a quote from Pastor Chuck Swindoll..."Lord, I am willing, to receive what you give; to lack what you withhold; to relinquish what you take; to suffer what you inflict; to be what you require. And, Lord, if others are to be your messengers to me, I am willing to hear and heed what they have to say."Amen.

Blank Stare

Have you ever wanted something so badly and GOD was like...ummmm NO! That is how I feel in regards to my last relationship. I was good for like the first week after our separation, now I'm just like really??? Is it really that easy to walk away from someone that you have been with for 4 years? When I see his disposition it seems like he is better off without me...he is a better person in my absence. Now I am sitting here so confused because I honestly don't get why it took 4 years for me to be back where I started.

It is so disheartening to give it your best and your best is just not good enough. I want to move forward, but I really don't know how. Guys irritate me now, I gave my number to a guy that I was curious about, and our conversation was awkward, I definetely will not be doing that again.  I have been throwing myself into books, because at least during the time that I am reading, I am not thinking about how much it hurts.

But lets face it, single life sucks!! But I guess I better get used to it because it is about to become a lifestyle for me. Stay tuned everyone, this will be interesting, I'm sure.

If we didn't know how to do anything else, we knew how to have fun.