He's Just Not That Into You

After spending close to 45 minutes in the parking lot of Schnucks crying, I think I get it now, it's really over. I feel humiliated after I basically poured my heart out, only to be laughed at and disregarded. I am so devastated, because I really had hopes that we could discuss the email in a manner in which I would have a little more insight in regards to our future. But who am I kidding there is no future for "us". I guess the next step is to finally go get all of my things from the house, I must admit part of me is at ease having my things there, but I am really just going to let him go. It's hard and I can feel the lump in my throat forming as I am typing. I know that I am soooo lonely and I really just want someone to be there for me and support me and to tell me everything is going to be ok. I really just feel like nothing I do is right, nothing I say is ok, I feel completely worthless. Instead of typing that email I should have just tried harder to go to bed, because it was just a waste of time, I was completely open, and it got me nowhere. I called the host of the set and told him that I appreciate the experience and all the fun times but I am giving up my membership.  I'm sure many will be disappointed but, I'm so over everything and everyone, I really need to find my path and continue to keep moving without looking back. Next stop: Target to go buy a bunch of boxes of Kleenex...hey I gotta start somewhere.

Cold

The tears are falling from my eyes just as fast as I can catch them as I'm writing this. I don't know why I am so emotional, well I know why I guess I just didn't feel like I would be this affected. I have this feeling like I want to be around CB all of the time, I want to just lay my head on his chest and fall into a world of oblivion. But when I'm around him its not the same, there is no affection, no expression of love, just two people who happen to be sharing the same space. Its hurtful, I don't know why I can't just leave him alone. Even during the most challenging times I realize that I still love him so much, and I just can't understand why we can't get our shit together. I can't write anymore, give me a moment to pull it together and will be able to write a post that is a little more polished...I'm writing off raw emotion right now and I'm all over the place.

Check Ya Self

Get It Together

As women we have to be very mindful of how we represent ourselves, especially when we are out in public. I am a person that gets so caught up in my emotions, that I lose respect and any regard for anyone that disagrees with me. I am learning to be more objective and realize "Hey E, you really could have handled that better" Often I use hurtful words to try to make the person I argue with angry instead of listening and trying to diffuse the situation. I do realize my imperfections and I am working on being better. So my focus is  to stop and listen, without talking over the person (I have that really bad), and to really just focus on the bigger picture and leaving the past in the past.

Is This A Problem?

So I love my CB and everything, but I can't help but feel a little irritated with his "fan club" aka female friends. Is it normal for a man to have sooooo many female friends, I mean where in the hell is all of your fine azz male friends????? And maybe I wouldn't have an issue if I was formally introduced to them, but it just seems to me that a new woman pops up every week. It really irks! I don't know, I'm just the type that uses discretion when I am dealing with "friends" of the opposite sex, and the person I am involved with. I don't feel like I need a bunch of male friends because my man is considered to be one of my best friends and we should confide in each other, and laugh together, and go out....together.  I can't even get him to sit down and chill with me and my friends at Twilight Tuesday because he has to show face around the entire park. *shrugs* get over it E! L.I.G

Set Trippin

I love my set and all, but I feel so disconnected from the lifestyle. I feel like I need to show my face, but I am also on my celibacy journey and that just seems counterproductive to me. I really want to become an active member again, but why would I go to just watch?? The players ball is in November and I really really really really really want to attend, but i don't know if it is what I should do. Then I have lame ass chicks, writing books exposing the lifestyle...smh. I just don't know if it is something that I want to be apart of anymore, the dynamics of the set is changing, and I don't think I like it.