You Are Good At Chess...Right?

Today I ended a relationship with someone that I love and adore very much. Sometimes you have to walk away from the things that you love to allow for growth and if it comes back to you then it was meant for you and if it doesn't....well you know the rest. I am so torn because if I would have to get married to someone tomorrow I KNOW in my heart he would be the one, but I don't know my role in his life. The crazy thing is, that up until last week or so, things had been perfect between us, we had been communicating, and we went on a trip to NY and things were good. But we had a situation to which I said one thing but expected another with the hopes that he would do what I expected. I realize now that maybe I should have just said what I wanted so that he could have a better understanding of what he needed to do. But part of me just wanted him to step up and have my back and look out for my best interests. I am appreciative of the growth he has displayed, but I want more, and I don't feel bad for saying that.

Then here comes something completely unexpected...another man. Someone who sees my worth, and is not afraid to love me, and has no boundaries when it comes to making me happy...so why I am so conflicted? Because of 4 years of being with someone, knowing them more than they know themselves at times, feeling secure and complete when you are in their arms, having movie nights and fighting over snacks, having discussions over Love and Hip Hop, attending Fetish Balls together, the late nights and early mornings...all of that has me wondering? Did I make the right decision? This is your shout out CB, I love you and I know you can't give me the world, but it doesn't mean that you can't try! If this is what you want then you are going to have to fight for us, and you are not willing to then I know where we stand and I will continue to do me...your move.

Check Please!!!!

So basically I had a man grab my ring finger and tell me to get it measured because I am his future wife and he is ready...well not completely, but that's a whole different blog! Really, does a man really know only after just being in your presence for lets say...a couple of days? Then here comes the gifts...which by the way I am not use to AT ALL, so I don't even know how to receive it. I have been conditioned to expect to receive gifts on holidays only and if a man is giving you random gifts, he must want something in return. I don't get that vibe from him though, I really feel that he enjoys watching me be happy, when I smile, he smiles!

I must admit that my wall is up though, I mean I am not even completely out of one situation, and I really don't know what I am doing, but it feels so good. Something new, exciting, nothing routine about what I am doing right now and this is the first time that I am not worried about anyone elses feelings, I am putting my feelings first....and it feels sooooo damn good!!!!

I know what I want and that is to be with someone that wants to grow and is attentive to the things I feel passionate about, such as stability,education, and marriage. It feels good to know that there are men out there that find the way that I think attractive, just as much as they are attracted to my physical being.  One thing I know is that, dude you definetely have my attention, and I am checking for you....now who mad???