No Men Allowed

Really? I'm pregnant and I ask you for some potatoes and you tell me if there is some left then you will put some aside for me?????  Smh I swear people don't get it and you wonder why I'm running to Planned Parenthood next week? Thank goodness for this blog because if I actually said the things that I really wanted to say in real time...oooohhhh weeeee! This week has been very trying for me, I got fired from my job over something that was NOT my fault. I really don't have alot of money because I paid pretty much all of my bills my last pay period with the anticipation of having a "free check" this pay period and looks like that will be my last check and its not even a full one:(

But no one even considers that enough to maybe attempt to cook me breakfast on the days I'm feeling sick or cook for me period, cause honestly I don't have the energy to do it myself. I had to send my daughter away because I can't even take care of her or do things with her because I'm always sick or tired. I don't want her to see me that way, its summer vacation and we should be doing stuff at least every week. I just know after this, there is not a thing another man can say to me, I am soooo over men! (No homo)

Baby Blues

People are never who they appear to be. I am almost to the point where I question everyone's character, because I don't feel like anyone is true anymore. I think being pregnant gives you a sixth sense, a sense to not deal with any kind of foolishness. 

I  am Day 4 into my celibacy journey and so far so good. I feel kind of ass backwards though seeing as how I'm pregnant but whatever. I think it will be easier because I usually don't have the urge to have sex while I'm pregnant.

I'm having all kind of mixed emotions right now, I haven't told my mother or  really anyone for that matter and I am still going back and forth about my decision to have this baby. Part of me feels like really??? When I wanted my baby more than anything I lost it and it devastated me. Now I'm pregnant again and I'm like maybe things won't be so bad this time. But another part of me is like Erica, don't be selfish, raising two kids without support from either one of the fathers is not the smartest decision. It's hard enough providing for Jordy I couldn't imagine adding another child to the equation. But then again I never imagined I would be sitting in an abortion clinic at damn near 30 years old. At some point you have to suck it up and be accountable for your actions.

I wish that I was pregnant by someone else, ya know? Someone that would call and check to see how I am feeling. Someone that would bring me a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos and a bag of Jalepeno Krunchers...lol (but serious though). Someone that is supportive regardless of the situation.

Pure Genius

"There are many things that we would throw away, if we were not afraid that others might pick them up". -Oscar Wilde

Are you familiar with "You don't want me, but you don't want me to be with anyone else"!

Lesson learned: Stop holding on to things for reasons of convenience. Learn to let go, no matter how much it hurts. If you love someone, love them enough to allow them to be happy with someone else.

I love CB and I think it would kill me to see him with someone else, but I have to be selfless and allow someone else to love the same things I loved about him.
                                

You Vicious Piece of Jelly

Sometimes we come across people who we will never forget. Even though I have never had the mindset that everyone will treat me the greatest or do right by me. You never expect to come across someone who uses you for their benefit and behaves in a manner that makes you feel low and worthless.

I am sitting back re evaluating my relationship with my ex and in order for me to understand how to co exist and love a self centered person, I tried to think back to 2007 to review some of the red flags I chose to ignore, because I loved him so much and I thought that I could change him. If you decide to maintain a relationship with a selfish individual I have listed some things that may help you, and some things that might make you run like hell. I wish I had someone that broke it down for me, and maybe I wouldn't have lost so much time.

1. Never think that you can change them. Selfish people don't even realize that they have a problem until they are on the verge of losing you or other loved ones. Even then, this change is very short-lived.

2. Examine their childhood. People with narcissistic tendencies, often come from being hurt emotionally as a child.

3. They become involved in material things, vanity, and can be a bit shallow. They fear loving someone else besides themselves, have intimacy issues, and cannot develop mature love relationships.

4. Selfish people can not handle any form of criticism, so please choose your words carefully. Otherwise, they feel as if they are being attacked and they will attack back, or completely shut down.

5. Do not resort to behavior that is beneath you. Dealing with someone with this type of personality can be challenging. One of my problems was I allowed myself to behave in a ridiculous manner, just because I was trying to hurt my ex...which was wrong. You have to find a balance.

6. If you truly love this person and feel like it is worth it, then seek therapy. It is the only way...you fooling yourself if you think you can fix it all by yourself.

Remember: Therapy=Happy and Healthy Relationships!!!!!

Exhausted

I feel like I am being punished...

But I am going to use all of the unfortunate events and attempt to make sense of them, in hopes that I can have discernment to make healthy decisions. I know at times my passion can make me a very difficult person to communicate with, but I'm not perfect and I struggle with things just like most people do.

Many of my issues stem from the fact that I have so many regrets in regards to decisions that I have made in the past, and it is affecting me in the present. I look at my baby girl and she is getting so big and she is so brilliant, and she is truly my greatest accomplishment. She is doing well in school and eventhough I can't give her all the things that she wants, she has everything she needs. I feel sad to think that her not having a consistent father figure in her life will have a negative impact on her future. I do everything in my power to ensure that she doesn't feel the void, but at the end of the day, I am not a man. I feel guilty that she is missing out on that. I have not been the best role model for her because my actions show her that my way of handling things is not working.

Jordy J I love you so much and I promise that we will rule the world, just be patient with mommy.

Fuck Off

Missed Period.Positive Pregnancy Test.Worst Mother's Day Ever. These are all things that I have been dealing with over the past few days and I promise...I am on edge, so if you are thinking about fucking with me...please don't! Then I wonder why do I still continue to do for a man that could give two fucks about me, and he made that very clear today. How many men have a woman in their life that is a mother, and you don't do shit for them on Mother's Day? Really?? Then I express my opinion about how you bend over backwards for your gay ass best friend and you have a cow!!! Grow up, you are not in your twenties, but you walking around here with a mohawk waiting for a compliment and you damn near 40 years old? And to think I go to Target and buy stuff to redecorate your bathroom and I can't even get a card on Mother's Day. Get da fuck outtta here.  I'm done that shit doesn't even warrant anymore space on my blog. You and your bestie are perfect for each other...I hope you live a long happy life together.

At least someone was thoughtful enough to make sure my day ended well, and I am very grateful. Thank you I appreciate you.

And to the issue of being pregnant...I could never have t(his) baby. I don't even know how this happened, part of me died when I found out. I continue to fall on hard times because anytime that I am doing well, I fall back to dealing with people that are not for me, and making unhealthy decisions. It is time for a change, today I was taken out of my element in front of my babygirl and I don't even do that. I need alot of work and it looks like I will be retreating back into myself, until I figure somethings out.

Sucka!!!

I can't help that I am a very affectionate person. But how much affection can you put out there, when it isn't being returned? I'm at Lafayette Park and I can't help but notice how loving the couples are here. I think this is why it is my favorite park, because there is so much love here. I mean I look at some of these women and they are not babes at all, but there husbands seem very proud of them nonetheless. Look at me, the hopeless romantic...I REALLY need to get over it.

I guess I just want to be in a relationship sooooo badly. It's all I can think about sometimes. I just don't feel like at 30 I should still be trying to figure out if the person I've been with for 5 fucking years wants to be with me?? It's so frustrating to the point where I just want to give up on love, the idea of marriage, and just spend the rest of my life focusing on the love of my life...Jordy J.

I can't wait until therapy next Tuesday, because he needs to give me a new damn homework assignment, since this one was an epic FAIL....huuuhhh!!!

I Thought I Was Bulletproof...Guess Not

I talked all of this noise about me keeping my chastity and I basically got my world rocked today. There is nothing like a man that knows how to handle his woman....whew! smh! Anyway I was told that I always post a blog when I am in my feelings, so I tried to do something a little different with this one. He took off of work today so that we could spend the day together and talk, which is something he doesn't do often. Simple things like grocery shopping and eating tacos are some of the many things that I miss about us. I love this man...but after 5 years I feel like I still don't want to compromise on what I want, and TRUST he knows what I am talking about.

The talking is a start but we still have to work out some kinks, I am still going to continue to focus and be attentive to myself with the hopes that he realizes that I am the prize, and if he doesn't step it up, someone WILL come and take me away....for good, and there won't be any reconciliation at that point. I had an awesome day today and it was all because of you
 Chance Jermaine Brown....how is that for a shoutout?