You Vicious Piece of Jelly

Sometimes we come across people who we will never forget. Even though I have never had the mindset that everyone will treat me the greatest or do right by me. You never expect to come across someone who uses you for their benefit and behaves in a manner that makes you feel low and worthless.

I am sitting back re evaluating my relationship with my ex and in order for me to understand how to co exist and love a self centered person, I tried to think back to 2007 to review some of the red flags I chose to ignore, because I loved him so much and I thought that I could change him. If you decide to maintain a relationship with a selfish individual I have listed some things that may help you, and some things that might make you run like hell. I wish I had someone that broke it down for me, and maybe I wouldn't have lost so much time.

1. Never think that you can change them. Selfish people don't even realize that they have a problem until they are on the verge of losing you or other loved ones. Even then, this change is very short-lived.

2. Examine their childhood. People with narcissistic tendencies, often come from being hurt emotionally as a child.

3. They become involved in material things, vanity, and can be a bit shallow. They fear loving someone else besides themselves, have intimacy issues, and cannot develop mature love relationships.

4. Selfish people can not handle any form of criticism, so please choose your words carefully. Otherwise, they feel as if they are being attacked and they will attack back, or completely shut down.

5. Do not resort to behavior that is beneath you. Dealing with someone with this type of personality can be challenging. One of my problems was I allowed myself to behave in a ridiculous manner, just because I was trying to hurt my ex...which was wrong. You have to find a balance.

6. If you truly love this person and feel like it is worth it, then seek therapy. It is the only way...you fooling yourself if you think you can fix it all by yourself.

Remember: Therapy=Happy and Healthy Relationships!!!!!

Exhausted

I feel like I am being punished...

But I am going to use all of the unfortunate events and attempt to make sense of them, in hopes that I can have discernment to make healthy decisions. I know at times my passion can make me a very difficult person to communicate with, but I'm not perfect and I struggle with things just like most people do.

Many of my issues stem from the fact that I have so many regrets in regards to decisions that I have made in the past, and it is affecting me in the present. I look at my baby girl and she is getting so big and she is so brilliant, and she is truly my greatest accomplishment. She is doing well in school and eventhough I can't give her all the things that she wants, she has everything she needs. I feel sad to think that her not having a consistent father figure in her life will have a negative impact on her future. I do everything in my power to ensure that she doesn't feel the void, but at the end of the day, I am not a man. I feel guilty that she is missing out on that. I have not been the best role model for her because my actions show her that my way of handling things is not working.

Jordy J I love you so much and I promise that we will rule the world, just be patient with mommy.

Fuck Off

Missed Period.Positive Pregnancy Test.Worst Mother's Day Ever. These are all things that I have been dealing with over the past few days and I promise...I am on edge, so if you are thinking about fucking with me...please don't! Then I wonder why do I still continue to do for a man that could give two fucks about me, and he made that very clear today. How many men have a woman in their life that is a mother, and you don't do shit for them on Mother's Day? Really?? Then I express my opinion about how you bend over backwards for your gay ass best friend and you have a cow!!! Grow up, you are not in your twenties, but you walking around here with a mohawk waiting for a compliment and you damn near 40 years old? And to think I go to Target and buy stuff to redecorate your bathroom and I can't even get a card on Mother's Day. Get da fuck outtta here.  I'm done that shit doesn't even warrant anymore space on my blog. You and your bestie are perfect for each other...I hope you live a long happy life together.

At least someone was thoughtful enough to make sure my day ended well, and I am very grateful. Thank you I appreciate you.

And to the issue of being pregnant...I could never have t(his) baby. I don't even know how this happened, part of me died when I found out. I continue to fall on hard times because anytime that I am doing well, I fall back to dealing with people that are not for me, and making unhealthy decisions. It is time for a change, today I was taken out of my element in front of my babygirl and I don't even do that. I need alot of work and it looks like I will be retreating back into myself, until I figure somethings out.

Sucka!!!

I can't help that I am a very affectionate person. But how much affection can you put out there, when it isn't being returned? I'm at Lafayette Park and I can't help but notice how loving the couples are here. I think this is why it is my favorite park, because there is so much love here. I mean I look at some of these women and they are not babes at all, but there husbands seem very proud of them nonetheless. Look at me, the hopeless romantic...I REALLY need to get over it.

I guess I just want to be in a relationship sooooo badly. It's all I can think about sometimes. I just don't feel like at 30 I should still be trying to figure out if the person I've been with for 5 fucking years wants to be with me?? It's so frustrating to the point where I just want to give up on love, the idea of marriage, and just spend the rest of my life focusing on the love of my life...Jordy J.

I can't wait until therapy next Tuesday, because he needs to give me a new damn homework assignment, since this one was an epic FAIL....huuuhhh!!!

I Thought I Was Bulletproof...Guess Not

I talked all of this noise about me keeping my chastity and I basically got my world rocked today. There is nothing like a man that knows how to handle his woman....whew! smh! Anyway I was told that I always post a blog when I am in my feelings, so I tried to do something a little different with this one. He took off of work today so that we could spend the day together and talk, which is something he doesn't do often. Simple things like grocery shopping and eating tacos are some of the many things that I miss about us. I love this man...but after 5 years I feel like I still don't want to compromise on what I want, and TRUST he knows what I am talking about.

The talking is a start but we still have to work out some kinks, I am still going to continue to focus and be attentive to myself with the hopes that he realizes that I am the prize, and if he doesn't step it up, someone WILL come and take me away....for good, and there won't be any reconciliation at that point. I had an awesome day today and it was all because of you
 Chance Jermaine Brown....how is that for a shoutout?

Are You Worthy?

Jill Scott said it best "I making you wait, never too late, I need to know if you're worthy". I didn't even realize it, but my chastity belt is on until I find someone that is worthy of "gettin it". I think there must be something in me that oozes that I'm easy, because it is so EASY for a man to call me to ask if we can get it in, even when his behavior doesn't even get me remotely wet. Or when married men try to act as if they are genuinely concerned about your well being, but you are really just trying to sample a little bit then retreat home to your "unfortunate situation". If another married man comes at me I will blast you on Facebook and then tag your wife!!!! Try me if you don't believe in me. I don't mean to sound so angry, but good gravy!!!! I mean really it has to get better than this.


I know that I am far from perfect, but I don't mislead people and I am very direct. You will never have to know what I am thinking because I am probably going to tell you before the thought even goes to my head. ladies don't sell yourself short, make these men get out here and work for it. Part of the reason why I am in this reassessment phase of my life, is because "I did too much", this has resulted in me going from being a submissive and loving partner, to someone who could care less. So this will be my focus area going forward, I don't believe that you should change who you are, just because you come across a few rotten apples, but I have changed and I don't know how to embrace the "old me" because the "new me" feels so damn good.

Flame

Someone from my past recently visited my job and found out that I worked there. We engaged in small conversation, and ended up walking right into my ex. Can we say awkward?? Eventhough our situation was "complicated" and maybe a little inappropiate, and things ended horribly....it was refreshing to see him. Since then we have conversed, and we talked about where we went wrong in 2009. He blamed me for cutting him off abruptly, but honestly due to the nature of the situation, it was the only way.

Fast forward to 2012 and I am having all of these mixed emotions about him. His feelings have not changed about me and I don't know if he wants us to pick back up where we left off, but if you knew where we left off...you would know that is impossible. I want to know and understand his intentions, but at the same time its like...why am I even considering this? We got into an argument tonight which resulted in me crying and getting off of the phone. I guess I'm just frustrated by the fact that every man that pursues me, belongs to someone else. I feel like I have been through so much, that I have no tolerance for anything anymore. But damn can you respect me enough to not pursue me while you are married? Just because you have no regard for your wife, doesn't mean that I don't.

Then I really got in my feelings really hard because it's like wow, am I that chick that men want to have on the side, but not good enough for marriage? I spent 4 years with someone that never even considered me to be a candidate for marriage. Ouch!!!!

The temptation is there, he knows how to woo me, and say and do all of the right things. He makes me feel wanted, appreciated, and beautiful, but I am so guarded, and with him I absolutely should be. So I am about to lace up my Airmax and run like hell, because this guy is nothing but trouble.