I Thought I Was Bulletproof...Guess Not

I talked all of this noise about me keeping my chastity and I basically got my world rocked today. There is nothing like a man that knows how to handle his woman....whew! smh! Anyway I was told that I always post a blog when I am in my feelings, so I tried to do something a little different with this one. He took off of work today so that we could spend the day together and talk, which is something he doesn't do often. Simple things like grocery shopping and eating tacos are some of the many things that I miss about us. I love this man...but after 5 years I feel like I still don't want to compromise on what I want, and TRUST he knows what I am talking about.

The talking is a start but we still have to work out some kinks, I am still going to continue to focus and be attentive to myself with the hopes that he realizes that I am the prize, and if he doesn't step it up, someone WILL come and take me away....for good, and there won't be any reconciliation at that point. I had an awesome day today and it was all because of you
 Chance Jermaine Brown....how is that for a shoutout?

Are You Worthy?

Jill Scott said it best "I making you wait, never too late, I need to know if you're worthy". I didn't even realize it, but my chastity belt is on until I find someone that is worthy of "gettin it". I think there must be something in me that oozes that I'm easy, because it is so EASY for a man to call me to ask if we can get it in, even when his behavior doesn't even get me remotely wet. Or when married men try to act as if they are genuinely concerned about your well being, but you are really just trying to sample a little bit then retreat home to your "unfortunate situation". If another married man comes at me I will blast you on Facebook and then tag your wife!!!! Try me if you don't believe in me. I don't mean to sound so angry, but good gravy!!!! I mean really it has to get better than this.


I know that I am far from perfect, but I don't mislead people and I am very direct. You will never have to know what I am thinking because I am probably going to tell you before the thought even goes to my head. ladies don't sell yourself short, make these men get out here and work for it. Part of the reason why I am in this reassessment phase of my life, is because "I did too much", this has resulted in me going from being a submissive and loving partner, to someone who could care less. So this will be my focus area going forward, I don't believe that you should change who you are, just because you come across a few rotten apples, but I have changed and I don't know how to embrace the "old me" because the "new me" feels so damn good.

Flame

Someone from my past recently visited my job and found out that I worked there. We engaged in small conversation, and ended up walking right into my ex. Can we say awkward?? Eventhough our situation was "complicated" and maybe a little inappropiate, and things ended horribly....it was refreshing to see him. Since then we have conversed, and we talked about where we went wrong in 2009. He blamed me for cutting him off abruptly, but honestly due to the nature of the situation, it was the only way.

Fast forward to 2012 and I am having all of these mixed emotions about him. His feelings have not changed about me and I don't know if he wants us to pick back up where we left off, but if you knew where we left off...you would know that is impossible. I want to know and understand his intentions, but at the same time its like...why am I even considering this? We got into an argument tonight which resulted in me crying and getting off of the phone. I guess I'm just frustrated by the fact that every man that pursues me, belongs to someone else. I feel like I have been through so much, that I have no tolerance for anything anymore. But damn can you respect me enough to not pursue me while you are married? Just because you have no regard for your wife, doesn't mean that I don't.

Then I really got in my feelings really hard because it's like wow, am I that chick that men want to have on the side, but not good enough for marriage? I spent 4 years with someone that never even considered me to be a candidate for marriage. Ouch!!!!

The temptation is there, he knows how to woo me, and say and do all of the right things. He makes me feel wanted, appreciated, and beautiful, but I am so guarded, and with him I absolutely should be. So I am about to lace up my Airmax and run like hell, because this guy is nothing but trouble.

The High Cost of Anger

This is a series that we are going over in my bible study class, and this lesson came right on time. Ephesians 4:26 says "Be ye angry and sin not! Do not let the sun go down upon your wrath." We often become so angry that it completely consumes us. I know it consumed me! It takes me so long to recover after being upset, this is why I try to avoid confrontation. After a failed relationship it is natural to feel some anger, it is how we respond to the anger. After I got off of the phone with my ex after our last argument, I took my phone and threw it and it powered off and never came back on again. Since I couldn't control my anger, I ended up having to go without a phone for the rest of the day, needless to say...it wasn't worth it.

I began to realize that I was allowing my anger to ruin my relationship with GOD. There was such a disconnect, that I found myself unable to pray, unable to tithe, not willing to fellowship and that is NOT me! Now when I react to something I try to react with a conscious and clear mind. When people see me, they should see Jesus. I don't want to be a poor representative for GOD and I surely don't want to make him look bad.

I would like to share a quote from Pastor Chuck Swindoll..."Lord, I am willing, to receive what you give; to lack what you withhold; to relinquish what you take; to suffer what you inflict; to be what you require. And, Lord, if others are to be your messengers to me, I am willing to hear and heed what they have to say."Amen.

Blank Stare

Have you ever wanted something so badly and GOD was like...ummmm NO! That is how I feel in regards to my last relationship. I was good for like the first week after our separation, now I'm just like really??? Is it really that easy to walk away from someone that you have been with for 4 years? When I see his disposition it seems like he is better off without me...he is a better person in my absence. Now I am sitting here so confused because I honestly don't get why it took 4 years for me to be back where I started.

It is so disheartening to give it your best and your best is just not good enough. I want to move forward, but I really don't know how. Guys irritate me now, I gave my number to a guy that I was curious about, and our conversation was awkward, I definetely will not be doing that again.  I have been throwing myself into books, because at least during the time that I am reading, I am not thinking about how much it hurts.

But lets face it, single life sucks!! But I guess I better get used to it because it is about to become a lifestyle for me. Stay tuned everyone, this will be interesting, I'm sure.

If we didn't know how to do anything else, we knew how to have fun.

You Are Good At Chess...Right?

Today I ended a relationship with someone that I love and adore very much. Sometimes you have to walk away from the things that you love to allow for growth and if it comes back to you then it was meant for you and if it doesn't....well you know the rest. I am so torn because if I would have to get married to someone tomorrow I KNOW in my heart he would be the one, but I don't know my role in his life. The crazy thing is, that up until last week or so, things had been perfect between us, we had been communicating, and we went on a trip to NY and things were good. But we had a situation to which I said one thing but expected another with the hopes that he would do what I expected. I realize now that maybe I should have just said what I wanted so that he could have a better understanding of what he needed to do. But part of me just wanted him to step up and have my back and look out for my best interests. I am appreciative of the growth he has displayed, but I want more, and I don't feel bad for saying that.

Then here comes something completely unexpected...another man. Someone who sees my worth, and is not afraid to love me, and has no boundaries when it comes to making me happy...so why I am so conflicted? Because of 4 years of being with someone, knowing them more than they know themselves at times, feeling secure and complete when you are in their arms, having movie nights and fighting over snacks, having discussions over Love and Hip Hop, attending Fetish Balls together, the late nights and early mornings...all of that has me wondering? Did I make the right decision? This is your shout out CB, I love you and I know you can't give me the world, but it doesn't mean that you can't try! If this is what you want then you are going to have to fight for us, and you are not willing to then I know where we stand and I will continue to do me...your move.

Check Please!!!!

So basically I had a man grab my ring finger and tell me to get it measured because I am his future wife and he is ready...well not completely, but that's a whole different blog! Really, does a man really know only after just being in your presence for lets say...a couple of days? Then here comes the gifts...which by the way I am not use to AT ALL, so I don't even know how to receive it. I have been conditioned to expect to receive gifts on holidays only and if a man is giving you random gifts, he must want something in return. I don't get that vibe from him though, I really feel that he enjoys watching me be happy, when I smile, he smiles!

I must admit that my wall is up though, I mean I am not even completely out of one situation, and I really don't know what I am doing, but it feels so good. Something new, exciting, nothing routine about what I am doing right now and this is the first time that I am not worried about anyone elses feelings, I am putting my feelings first....and it feels sooooo damn good!!!!

I know what I want and that is to be with someone that wants to grow and is attentive to the things I feel passionate about, such as stability,education, and marriage. It feels good to know that there are men out there that find the way that I think attractive, just as much as they are attracted to my physical being.  One thing I know is that, dude you definetely have my attention, and I am checking for you....now who mad???