With Friends Like This...Who Cares About Anything Else

This weekend was AMAZING! I am still getting use to being off on weekends. I hung out with my Lindenwood Family and I really miss those guys. I feel like God handpicked everyone of them and placed them into my life for a reason. Its been a long time since I have been surrounded by sooo much love. I brought CB with me because I always talk about him and my LU crew hasn't had the opportunity to meet him so I was happy that he was able to join me. But being there made me wish that I would have left his ass at home. As I watched how all of my male friends treated their wives, they were affectionate, they served them before they served themselves and you could just really tell that they loved these women more than anything else in the world. But if you watched how CB engaged with me, you wouldn't have even known he was my man.  I am always so proud to be with CB and spending time with him is usually something I really enjoy. But hell when I bring him around my friends he always acts as if he doesn't even deal with me for real and I hate that shit. He comes off as if he is better and its like if you feel that you can do better than me, then DO BETTER!! I was so embarrassed by his behavior to the point that I was in tears the entire ride home. My thing is its been 5 years and I am arguing with you about getting permission to decorate in YOUR apartment, when in fact that shouldn't be an issue. At almost 30 and almost 40 we should be living together, saving money together, growing together and working our way towards financial empowerment because two is always better than one. Because at this point, I could give a damn about what your hair looks like, or what type of shoes and clothes you have on.  But he lacks that thought process and he only has tunnel vision for all things Chance, and anything outside of that is not even a factor. So since YOU are content and comfortable with living in YOUR apartment because no one in there pays bills but YOU...but YOU don't give me an option to even help YOU, because YOU would rather die than for us to coexist under the same roof, then maybe YOU need to explore other options. Because I KNOW I have given this 110% so I can walk away tomorrow and not feel bad because if you give something all you got and still fail, you can't be mad because you know that you gave all you had to give. My mom sat me down today and we had the heaviest conversation about my relationship with CB, and it hurt but all things said were very true. Do I want my relationship to be successful? Do I love my man with all of my being? Do I want to grow and spend the rest of my life with him? All of these questions can be answered with a confident YES! But will I settle and lose myself in this relationship, because I love him so much? Absolutely not! Tonight I will re evaluate the last couple of days to see were the communication broke down between us because I KNOW my delivery is not always the best. But I can honestly say our issues are just something that I can't fix....I just can't.

He's Just Not That Into You

After spending close to 45 minutes in the parking lot of Schnucks crying, I think I get it now, it's really over. I feel humiliated after I basically poured my heart out, only to be laughed at and disregarded. I am so devastated, because I really had hopes that we could discuss the email in a manner in which I would have a little more insight in regards to our future. But who am I kidding there is no future for "us". I guess the next step is to finally go get all of my things from the house, I must admit part of me is at ease having my things there, but I am really just going to let him go. It's hard and I can feel the lump in my throat forming as I am typing. I know that I am soooo lonely and I really just want someone to be there for me and support me and to tell me everything is going to be ok. I really just feel like nothing I do is right, nothing I say is ok, I feel completely worthless. Instead of typing that email I should have just tried harder to go to bed, because it was just a waste of time, I was completely open, and it got me nowhere. I called the host of the set and told him that I appreciate the experience and all the fun times but I am giving up my membership.  I'm sure many will be disappointed but, I'm so over everything and everyone, I really need to find my path and continue to keep moving without looking back. Next stop: Target to go buy a bunch of boxes of Kleenex...hey I gotta start somewhere.

Cold

The tears are falling from my eyes just as fast as I can catch them as I'm writing this. I don't know why I am so emotional, well I know why I guess I just didn't feel like I would be this affected. I have this feeling like I want to be around CB all of the time, I want to just lay my head on his chest and fall into a world of oblivion. But when I'm around him its not the same, there is no affection, no expression of love, just two people who happen to be sharing the same space. Its hurtful, I don't know why I can't just leave him alone. Even during the most challenging times I realize that I still love him so much, and I just can't understand why we can't get our shit together. I can't write anymore, give me a moment to pull it together and will be able to write a post that is a little more polished...I'm writing off raw emotion right now and I'm all over the place.

Check Ya Self

Get It Together

As women we have to be very mindful of how we represent ourselves, especially when we are out in public. I am a person that gets so caught up in my emotions, that I lose respect and any regard for anyone that disagrees with me. I am learning to be more objective and realize "Hey E, you really could have handled that better" Often I use hurtful words to try to make the person I argue with angry instead of listening and trying to diffuse the situation. I do realize my imperfections and I am working on being better. So my focus is  to stop and listen, without talking over the person (I have that really bad), and to really just focus on the bigger picture and leaving the past in the past.

Is This A Problem?

So I love my CB and everything, but I can't help but feel a little irritated with his "fan club" aka female friends. Is it normal for a man to have sooooo many female friends, I mean where in the hell is all of your fine azz male friends????? And maybe I wouldn't have an issue if I was formally introduced to them, but it just seems to me that a new woman pops up every week. It really irks! I don't know, I'm just the type that uses discretion when I am dealing with "friends" of the opposite sex, and the person I am involved with. I don't feel like I need a bunch of male friends because my man is considered to be one of my best friends and we should confide in each other, and laugh together, and go out....together.  I can't even get him to sit down and chill with me and my friends at Twilight Tuesday because he has to show face around the entire park. *shrugs* get over it E! L.I.G

Set Trippin

I love my set and all, but I feel so disconnected from the lifestyle. I feel like I need to show my face, but I am also on my celibacy journey and that just seems counterproductive to me. I really want to become an active member again, but why would I go to just watch?? The players ball is in November and I really really really really really want to attend, but i don't know if it is what I should do. Then I have lame ass chicks, writing books exposing the lifestyle...smh. I just don't know if it is something that I want to be apart of anymore, the dynamics of the set is changing, and I don't think I like it.

No Men Allowed

Really? I'm pregnant and I ask you for some potatoes and you tell me if there is some left then you will put some aside for me?????  Smh I swear people don't get it and you wonder why I'm running to Planned Parenthood next week? Thank goodness for this blog because if I actually said the things that I really wanted to say in real time...oooohhhh weeeee! This week has been very trying for me, I got fired from my job over something that was NOT my fault. I really don't have alot of money because I paid pretty much all of my bills my last pay period with the anticipation of having a "free check" this pay period and looks like that will be my last check and its not even a full one:(

But no one even considers that enough to maybe attempt to cook me breakfast on the days I'm feeling sick or cook for me period, cause honestly I don't have the energy to do it myself. I had to send my daughter away because I can't even take care of her or do things with her because I'm always sick or tired. I don't want her to see me that way, its summer vacation and we should be doing stuff at least every week. I just know after this, there is not a thing another man can say to me, I am soooo over men! (No homo)

Baby Blues

People are never who they appear to be. I am almost to the point where I question everyone's character, because I don't feel like anyone is true anymore. I think being pregnant gives you a sixth sense, a sense to not deal with any kind of foolishness. 

I  am Day 4 into my celibacy journey and so far so good. I feel kind of ass backwards though seeing as how I'm pregnant but whatever. I think it will be easier because I usually don't have the urge to have sex while I'm pregnant.

I'm having all kind of mixed emotions right now, I haven't told my mother or  really anyone for that matter and I am still going back and forth about my decision to have this baby. Part of me feels like really??? When I wanted my baby more than anything I lost it and it devastated me. Now I'm pregnant again and I'm like maybe things won't be so bad this time. But another part of me is like Erica, don't be selfish, raising two kids without support from either one of the fathers is not the smartest decision. It's hard enough providing for Jordy I couldn't imagine adding another child to the equation. But then again I never imagined I would be sitting in an abortion clinic at damn near 30 years old. At some point you have to suck it up and be accountable for your actions.

I wish that I was pregnant by someone else, ya know? Someone that would call and check to see how I am feeling. Someone that would bring me a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos and a bag of Jalepeno Krunchers...lol (but serious though). Someone that is supportive regardless of the situation.

Pure Genius

"There are many things that we would throw away, if we were not afraid that others might pick them up". -Oscar Wilde

Are you familiar with "You don't want me, but you don't want me to be with anyone else"!

Lesson learned: Stop holding on to things for reasons of convenience. Learn to let go, no matter how much it hurts. If you love someone, love them enough to allow them to be happy with someone else.

I love CB and I think it would kill me to see him with someone else, but I have to be selfless and allow someone else to love the same things I loved about him.